Push, pull. Fast, slow. Hurry up, now wait. Our adoption journey has been such a mixed bag of feelings, actions, decisions, worries,... the list goes on. So now that we're actually coming close to when we believe we may be traveling to go pick up the 2 boys that we've been carrying in our hearts and prayers since February and April of last year, I'm once again hit with the decision of whether or not to take the gamble, once again, of hope. Do I let myself truly go there? And if so, how quickly? Do I ease into hope? Or do I allow the flood-gates to finally open up?
When is it ever truly safe?
Is there a safe?
June of last year we had our 1st baby shower. We then thought we were only a couple months from traveling to get our boys. Sadness and embarrassment are some of what we felt when it turned out to not be the case. This journey has left multiple scars and wounds upon our hearts. Not just having to deal with the disappointments in our own hearts, but having to explain it to others who don't understand the process, when we don't entirely understand it ourselves. Why the setbacks, why the long-waiting? Sometimes there are answers, sometimes there just aren't. That's just how it goes when dealing with a 3rd world adoption. We chose the Congo because it's one of the worst places on earth, and we've felt it in every step.
So as we're getting closer to the end, of what we're thinking, hoping, planning is the end, my heart is mixed. Do I fully hope? Or do I protect my heart? How much can one take before the offense grows too thick to recover? Too thick to hide in public conversations anymore.
It is hard. Please do not ask. I'm tired of listing excuses, tired of explaining, tired of hearing sympathetic condolences. Please just pray.
I am a mommy who misses her children. I've held them every day in my heart. Dreamed about them, prayed for them, talked about them, and have planned for them. I am ready to hold them. To finally have them. It is time.
When is it ever truly safe?
Is there a safe?
June of last year we had our 1st baby shower. We then thought we were only a couple months from traveling to get our boys. Sadness and embarrassment are some of what we felt when it turned out to not be the case. This journey has left multiple scars and wounds upon our hearts. Not just having to deal with the disappointments in our own hearts, but having to explain it to others who don't understand the process, when we don't entirely understand it ourselves. Why the setbacks, why the long-waiting? Sometimes there are answers, sometimes there just aren't. That's just how it goes when dealing with a 3rd world adoption. We chose the Congo because it's one of the worst places on earth, and we've felt it in every step.
So as we're getting closer to the end, of what we're thinking, hoping, planning is the end, my heart is mixed. Do I fully hope? Or do I protect my heart? How much can one take before the offense grows too thick to recover? Too thick to hide in public conversations anymore.
It is hard. Please do not ask. I'm tired of listing excuses, tired of explaining, tired of hearing sympathetic condolences. Please just pray.
I am a mommy who misses her children. I've held them every day in my heart. Dreamed about them, prayed for them, talked about them, and have planned for them. I am ready to hold them. To finally have them. It is time.
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